Why fitness and health are so important to me

I was reading back on all of my old posts and thought "My god, I was so sad...and so naive." So I decided it was time to leave all those memories in the past where they belong and I deleted a ton of old blog posts. It wasn't easy at first to cut off all that weight, some of those posts had happy parts in them. But I think it's all best forgotten and time to focus on what's in front of me.

A lot has happened since my last blog entry in May. At the time that I wrote it, I was really inspired to make the necessary changes in my life. But three days after I posted that, my great grandpa passed away and it wrecked me and my whole world. The loss of my grandpa tore through me like a knife. I forgot all of the goals I had set for myself and fell into such a sadness I didn't think I would come out.

But I have emerged because I know my grandpa wouldn't want me to get lost in my sadness. I'm now engaged and planning my wedding with the most incredible man I have ever known. It was hard for me to be excited when Tyler proposed just two weeks after my grandpa's passing. All I wanted was to tell my grandpa his first great grandchild was getting married. I couldn't wait to see his face when he first saw me in my wedding dress. I just wanted him to be there. Knowing he won't be makes me want to curl up into a ball and cry uncontrollably...but I won't because that's not what he would have wanted. He would have wanted my happiness. He would have wanted me to push through all of life's difficulties and emerge on top. Well I am trying just for you, grandpa. Since his passing, I have really kicked my health into high gear like I have so long talked about. I am doing my best to eat right and exercise every single day. My grandpa's death really got me thinking about my health, as did my uncle's passing and my grandma's battle with cancer.

So now I'll get down to what the title of this blog is really all about.

It has hit me pretty hard that we won't always have our health, and we damn well better use our bodies while we can. One day you won't be able to do the same things your body can do now so don't take it for granted. I get so sick and tired of hearing people say "life is too short to watch what I eat" or "exercise isn't for me." Your life is going to be a hell of a lot shorter if you don't start making healthier choices. Most of my family members possess really bad lifestyle habits that I have watched take place most of my life. Many of those habits have had incredibly negative effects on their health and have caused some of them to lose their lives prematurely. I don't want to get into vivid examples or call any of my family members out on this blog because I don't want to upset anyone. But I will say that had they made healthier decisions, such as not smoking, drinking, or just being more active...some of them may still be alive, and some of them would have a better life right now.

Basically what I am saying is your body is going to deteriorate on its own and there WILL come a time when you won't be able to do the things you can do now. You won't be able to run. Maybe you won't be able to breathe or hear as easily. DON'T speed up the process by smoking, drinking, eating foods that are terrible for you and sitting on your ass. Put down the sugary foods and drinks and get the hell up off your couch and GET MOVING. Go for a walk. Eat lots of fruits and vegetables and drink water. You'll probably add years onto your life and chances are you won't have as many difficulties when you're up there in age if you just take care of yourself. We only get one shot at life, don't waste it.

With all that being said, I am so happy for change. I used to run from it and now I embrace it. It's time to keep the promises I have made to myself.

Back At It (...again)

By now I am done apologizing to my vacant blog for not writing more frequently or giving my excuses for why I haven't. Because, life, right?

Anyway it looks like I am back at it again.

Back at what?

Oh, you know. Back at writing and fitness.

Yeah we've heard that one before...famous last words.

I know, I know. But I'm really going to try this time!

Today I woke up and realized it was time to take my life back into my own hands. Wow I can't count how many times I have said those exact words. Seriously. Verbatim! This time they somehow feel powerful, though. We'll see anyway. As someone who is going to receive their bachelor of health in just a few short months, you would think I would lead a healthier lifestyle. WRONG. The extent of my "healthy" life is not drinking soda and cutting out meat completely. Woo freaking hoo. A lot of good that does me if I am sitting on my ass eating cookie dough all day, right? 

Really what's lit a fire under me is cancer.

The word we all loathe.

Cancer.

Let's just get that bad taste out of our mouths.

Cancer has rocked my world way too hard the past 7 or so months. As many of you know, my grandma was diagnosed with stage 1 non-Hodgkin's lymphoma October of 2013. It was a wild ride and a fierce battle but she kicked ass and is now in remission as of a few weeks ago.  The hardships of that were enough to last us awhile, but the universe just wasn't done with us. My uncle passed away of stage 4 lung cancer December 22nd. We had no idea until it was far too late. And hey if that wasn't enough for us, my great grandma passed away one month ago yesterday (non cancer related). And now we are facing another bout of cancer with my great grandpa, who is terminally ill with liver cancer and is bed ridden living his days out here at home with us. You know. This has been a lot to deal with. Most days I am just numb. But some days it completely and totally knocks the wind out of me and it takes awhile for me to pick myself up and shake it off. I'm done with cancer and all of its bullshit. That's why I want to take my life back. That's why it's time to get rid of sugar and processed foods and a moderately active lifestyle and kick it into full gear with whole and organic foods and a vigorously active lifestyle. 

I didn't even mean to write everything you may or may not have just read. But it's there and it feels good.

There are two parts to what I meant to write originally so here they are.

Part 1: Running

I decided last night/this morning that I wanted to try the Couch to 5k again. I gave it ago a couple years back and I quit like a coward. Running is tough for me. Really tough. I hate it with a passion. But guess what? I made it through day 1 and it wasn't as bad as I expected. Go me. Well there was those first couple laps where I realized hey I shouldn't eat before I run! Oops. 

It was hard alone. It would have been great to have someone beside me yelling at me so I could stay motivated. But I got through it with me, myself & I. I told myself there's no way it'll always be this crappy and that I'll make it to the end of this and be able to run longer than 60 seconds without wanting to fall out. I will get there. Keep me accountable, guys. ;)

Part 2: Yoga

I really have to stop being lazy and do my yoga every day because there are no words to express how much I have MISSED being on my mat. Nothing feels better. It wasn't the most wonderful session. I have to do yoga in the living room for now because my room is too small. So between my papa trying to shake my hand while I was in standing bow pose or the sizzles of bacon filling my ears in child's pose, it was hard to really get into it. But there were a couple moments where I felt it...that feeling of complete joy that I have only ever found in yoga. Don't let me quit guys.

I guess that's all for now. I really need to take a shower because all I can smell is myself and ewwwww. Keep an eye out. If I'm not getting with the fit, then yell at me. Call me a quitter. Do it. 

xoxo

Nat

PS - I sucked so hard at 101 in 1001. So I'm making a new one. Don't know what the hell I am talking about? Ask me. You'll be glad you did. If you don't want to ask, just click the nice little link on the top of the page under the butterflies. 

I Thought...

At 17 years old, I got my acceptance letter into Austin Peay State University. I went through a hundred different emotions and my brain immediately started developing expectations for college. For those of you who know me well, you know I am a planner. I have to plan everything. What I will eat for breakfast tomorrow morning; what outfit I will wear tomorrow and on that day six months from now; my monthly workout routine; what I'm getting everyone for Christmas next year; what papers go where in which binder; the list seriously goes on without an end. So it was easy for me to organize a new folder and store it away in my brain to be opened when I attended school in August of 2010. 

I was only 17 and I believed I had it all figured out. I was in a relationship with someone who I swore was "the one." I'd even already started picking out wedding colors without even having a ring on my finger. I had my major decided before my first day of classes: elementary education. I was going to join a sorority and make tons of friends who would be there the rest of my life. I knew that my four years of undergraduate college were going to be the best four years of my life. And guess how much of that I was right about?

None of it. 

I thought that I had it all figured out, but in fact my life was about to change in every single way. I quickly changed my major to radiologic technology. Then nursing. Then health care management. Then health. That boy I was so sure of marrying broke up with me over a text message my sophomore year after two years together. I definitely never joined a sorority and I definitely haven't made a hundred lifelong friends. Have these four years been the best of my life? Absolutely not. But do I regret where my journey has taken me so far? No way!

I thought and thought and thought so many things, and every time I thought I had it figured out, reality smacked me in the face with a new lesson. So what has really happened to my life and what have I really learned?

1.) Heartbreak is inevitable. Especially when you and the person you are with don't want the same things out of life and you are headed down different paths. It hurts and it sucks, but you owe it to yourself to be with someone who cherishes you and your life together.

2.) You probably don't really know what you want to do when your fresh into college. Explore a little before you decide on something to spend the rest of your life doing. You will probably surprise yourself.

3.) You don't need to make a thousand friends in college. Trust me when I say it's so much better to have those few who stick by your side rather than a hundred who don't really care about you. No offense.

4.) It's okay if you don't make straight A's. College isn't easy. Be proud of the fact that you made it this far and keep trucking along. One C or even an F isn't going to kill you and you WILL make it to the end. 

5.) These 4 years won't be your best. They will be hard, stressful, and cause you a few too many headaches. There are many more years to come and they will be so much better. 

You can take or leave these things. Really, they are more for me than anyone. I had my heart broken and thought I would never recover. But guess what? I did and I am stronger and wiser. I never expected to be a health major, but I am so happy with where I am at now. I have made VERY few friends, but the ones I do have rock my socks off. 

I am about to start up my last semester and it's the first I have been this excited about. I never really thought I would make it, but I am making it. I am ready to start a new chapter in my life! Just a little encouragement to those who want to quit: don't. It's always darkest before the dawn.

Where Have I been?

Surprise, surprise...I went months without a blog post - again. What's a girl to do? My lack of motivation the past six months has been appalling. And when I say appalling I mean it in the most true and raw form that you could fathom. It's ridiculous, really, and I am beyond ready to get back on track and tidy up my mess of a life. I guess sometimes everything falls apart so you can pick up all of the pieces and put them where they actually belong, rather than having a puzzle that looks like a 2 year old put it together. Does that make sense? Well anyway I think that's what is going on. I was in such a rush to put my life together that I wasn't paying close enough attention to what pieces actually fit together and which pieces didn't go where, or didn't go in my puzzle at all. It took a few things causing my puzzle to fall apart for me to realize this, and now I am on the journey of figuring how everything is actually supposed to fit.

If none of this makes sense, here are some specifics:
-I haven't been in the Word since before spring break. Yikes. That right there is reason enough why my world has become chaotic. I still pray and I still try to have a solid relationship with The Lord, but let's be honest, am I really trying that hard if I'm not even studying His Word?
-I haven't been in a gym since before spring break. And because of that I have also stopped eating healthy. Welcome back, achy bones and muscles. Welcome back, iron deficiency anemia. Welcome back, lethargy and fatigue. I feel like crap 24/7! Seriously I don't remember the last day where I felt good all day long. Yuck.

And honestly those two things are affecting my life in some intensely negative ways. It's crazy how much more motivated I feel when I'm closer to The Lord and in the gym. (What's crazier is this wasn't the direction my blog was supposed to go at all...crazy how God chooses to speak to you through your talents sometimes).

Well guess what? I refuse to accept defeat! I refuse to sit on my booty any longer! I refuse to be the pathetic excuse of a person that I am becoming. Honestly I am nothing without my Savior and I feel it weighing in on my heart and my character more every day. But at the same time that I am sad for what has become of my life the last six months, I am also so beyond grateful. This might be the biggest trial and season of dryness I have every experienced but I can't tell you how much it has grown me and is continuing to grow me.

I have a plan of action. And that came with plenty of realizations. You might not be interested in this next bit, it's more or less for me more than anyone else, but of course I am going to include it anyway.

*Realization number 1: I was so into the gym and being fit because that's what my ex wanted me to want. I don't care about gaining tons of pounds of muscles. I don't care about lifting more than any other girl in the gym. I don't care about my thigh muscles protruding. That's what he cared about. And naturally after our relationship ended last year, so did my desire to be in the gym as much as before. Don't get me wrong I LOVE working out, I LOVE being fit. And more than anything I love how much better my body feels when I am in that gym. But the level that I was at wasn't really where I cared to be. The style of workouts wasn't really that appealing to me. But within the past few weeks I've discovered what is best for me in terms of fitness and what my body responds positively to. And that is yoga! I have been so obsessed lately with learning all that I can about it and practicing it as much as I can! It's so relaxing and refreshing and I like it ten thousand times better than any other form of fitness I have tried. I am in every way shape and form a beginner but very enthusiastic and learning and practicing yoga.
**Plan of action: Take lots of yoga classes! I have already figured out when they are during the week in my gym and have fitted them into my schedule. I couldn't be more excited about it. I've been looking up different types of yoga mats and everything. I definitely want to have my own. I am still going to be lifting weights and doing cardio, just not the way I was before.

*Realization number 2: You can't walk alone as a Christian. Especially when you are lazy. This summer has been so dry and that's because I haven't had anyone to walk with and study with. I'm sure if I would have put forth more of an effort I would have...but that's where that lazy word comes in. There have been plenty of times that I have wanted to crack open my Bible and get to it. But I didn't. Why? I was too busy lazying around. No more of that. And I 100% believe that taking better care of my body and getting healthy again will change this. I fully believe a lot of my mood change and desire change has to do with what's going on with my body internally.
**Plan of action: Obviously, eat better and get fit to change my mindset. But furthermore, I need to push forward and into Christ. I will get nowhere if His heart is not my number 1 desire. I have set aside Jesus time every day in my school schedule and I have a big list of things I want to dig into with Him. And I have text some of my favorite ladies and planned some girly Bible study Jesus time that I am SO looking forward to! No more slacking off. I can't afford to be lazy when it comes to my relationship with Him.

Yeah. So that's that for now. I am about to start my senior year of college, and I want to start it off right. I don't want to let myself down again. So pray for me, and keep me accountable. I need all of the support that I can get.

xoxo

Birth and Death

My study in Ecclesiastes 3 continues.

Verse 2 says "a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot,..."

I am going to divide this verse into two parts, it should be easy to tell where.

Part 1: "a time to be born and a time to die"
This is amazing. At first glance, the meaning behind this part of the verse seems simple. Every is born, and everyone dies - simple enough right? But it goes a bit deeper than that the more you study it.

Ephesians 2:1 "As for you, you were dead in your transgressions and sins."

In a Christian's walk, death comes before life. I was dead, buried in sin. I was separate from Christ because I was tainted by sin and it's filth. Without Christ, are we even really alive? No. Being born comes after death. Turning from living a life of sin to a relationship with Christ is where our life begins. Without Christ, your life is worth nothing. There comes a time when you die to your sin and you are BORN AGAIN in Christ. I know that for me personally, before I came to know Christ I walked around this earth thinking that I had all that I ever needed, but still feeling that there was something more to be had, something I wasn't seeing, some part of me missing entirely. When I was saved and started my relationship with Jesus, I felt more alive than ever! And I continue to feel more alive every day that I spend with Him.

Part 2: "a time to plant and a time to uproot" - NIV
"a right time to plant and another to reap" -The MSG

This is a constant for every Christian's walk, and one that we should all be able to grasp fairly easily. God is constantly pruning and chiseling us. There are seasons where God has to uproot things from our lives, and there are seasons where He wants to plant in your life, sow into your soul. Right now in my own walk, God is both doing some uprooting and some planting.

He's uprooting:
-selfishness
-loneliness
-dependency
-anger
-lust
-impatience
...These things are going to take time, and full surrender to Jesus.

He's planting:
-patience
-peace
-understanding
-passion
-full desire for Him!

And this is just the beginning. He has so much He wants to do with each and every one of us, if we will just allow Him to do so! What are you holding onto that is holding you back from Christ? Take it to the cross. God has to uproot some things in order to plant something else. And trust me, what He wants to plant is more beautiful than you could even imagine right now. Put your trust into the One who knows you more than you even know yourself.

God's Timing Is Perfect

The past few days, I have not been able to move from Ecclesiastes 3. If you haven't read it, I highly encourage you to do so. It is incredible and literally takes my breath away every time I read it. This chapter was one that a friend of mine recommended I read and study during my time of singleness. I had it written down to read, but I really wanted to start off with a different verse for this season: Isaiah 54:5. I wanted to really wrap my head around the fact that God is my husband, but He kept pulling me straight to Ecclesiastes and He isn't allowing me steer away from it, which is okay with me.

For those that know me, they know that I am an impatient person. I hate waiting around and I want everything NOW. God is breaking me of this, teaching me about His good and perfect timing. Ecclesiastes 3:11 says "He has made everything beautiful in its time." I have been ALL ABOUT this verse; it's even the lock screen on my iPhone. I have been focusing on those words "in its time." Only God knows when the right time for something is. Even if we think we know what's best for us, or we think that what we want right now is what's best, only He holds that knowledge. For instance my thought process is usually "I need my husband. Right now. I know that now is perfect and we could have a great solid relationship if only God would make him show up!" But God knows that now is NOT the time for my husband to enter into my life. He has much to show me, much to teach me, much to break me from. After I did a little bit of wrapping my head around this verse, God told me He still wasn't done showing me that His timing is perfect, and there was still more He wants me to see. So I decided to study Ecc. 3 verse by verse.

VS 1: There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven.

Everything in this world has a time. Time is easily one of the most talked about things in our world. When? What time? What day? How long? Questions such as these are asked everywhere, by everyone, daily. It can be hard to let Jesus have everything when we as humans want to know the "when." But everything DOES have its time - and only God knows how long a season will last. The only way to have peace with this is to have patience. Like I said before, this is something that does not come easy to me.

            Psalm 40:1 "I waited patiently for the LORD; he turned and heard my cry."

In this verse, the word waited really stands out. Waiting is so hard. But by waiting, having patience, and putting all of your trust in the Lord, not only will He bless you but you will see FRUIT! When you feel like you can no longer be patient, when you feel like you are having trouble understanding His will, when all you want to do is cry out and scream, rest in the Almighty One. He wants you to cry out to Him.

Follow My Other Blog

Hey guys! I would really, really love and appreciate it if you would go follow my new blog. I am still keeping this one, but this new blog is about a particular subject. Go check it out! http://producingfruitsofthespirit.blogspot.com/

Relief

I can feel the stress slowly starting to peel away...little pieces at a time.

After tomorrow, I should have determined the species of my unknown bacteria in microbiology. Woo! And by tomorrow night, the journal for that class along with all of the paperwork for this unknown should be COMPLETE! Yay! But before I can even get to that point, I have a horrendous night of studying ahead of me. I have a mico exam Wednesday over so much stuff my brain might implode. Then Thursday is my lab practical, and two days after fall break I have a psychology exam. Let me tell you how much fun this semester has been...So it looks like tonight and all of tomorrow and tomorrow night will be devoted to studying for all of this crap I have to accomplish. It's crazy how busy this semester is. And it's even crazier how fast it is going by.

But on a happy note, I am feeling happy and light, despite all that is going on with school. I got my nose pierced this past Friday with my best friend after four years of planning to do so. I totally love it. I got to spend ALL weekend with her, it was great! I miss her all the time. Did some hanging out and shopping...was just what I needed.

Another reason for this post was to let you guys know I am trying to get to Ireland July 2013. But it's going to cost around $5000. I don't think I can do it without you guys or by myself. I will post a more detailed blog about it probably this weekend or early next week, but for now here's the link if you want to read about it. If you can donate, please do. If not, I completely understand. I would appreciate it so much if you could help me spread the word, or at least pray for me. So far I have only raised $10. I have a long way to go, and the first payment is due in the beginning of March I believe.

http://www.gofundme.com/1asyx0?pc=fb_cr

God bless <3

Stress-A-Palooza

Have you ever felt so stressed that you can't do anything but sit and stare blankly into space because you don't know which way to turn or where to begin to sort through your pile of MESS?! I'm talking about that stress that hits so deep that you get stomach cramps (okay, that could also be menstrual cramps). The stress that causes your body to ache and your head to trick your body into thinking that you're trapped inside a bubble, separate from the rest of the world, and the secret to how to pop this bubble lies at the bottom of your pile of stress....and that's just the thing...you feel you are NEVER going to get to the bottom, so when does the cycle end?! Are you following me?

This is my 5th semester at Austin Peay. And it is the most stressful, difficult, cloudy semester that I have had thus far. I don't even know how I am going to make it through today, let alone try worrying about tomorrow! I don't know how to deal with all of this! I am only taking 5 classes and I feel like I am taking 10. It's killing me. I feel like I am never going to get through this, I am never going to get to nursing school. I have been sitting in the library for over three hours now, trying like hell to find my focus and get something done. But I don't know where to start. I crack open a book and the lines blur together and I can't make out one single word. I try to listen to an online lecture and I feel like I am listening to the parents on Charlie Brown. I try to analyze a poem or remember classifications of bacterium and my eyes go black. And none of this is an exaggeration. This is happening to me! And I don't know what to make of it or what to do with it. I don't even know how I am typing this right now.

If you're curious on what my class load is like, here, let me break it down for you:
Microbiology Lecture
Microbiology Lab
Developmental Psychology
Statistics
Writing Poetry

....doesn't sound so bad, right? Well, let's dig just a little bit deeper.

Micro: I have a huge test next Wednesday, over so much material that I don't even know where to store it in my brain. And for the lab that goes along with this class, we are currently doing our "unknowns." This is where each student receives a vial with two different bacteria inside. Your goal is to run a series of MANY different types of tests, and determine which bacteria it is of about 10 or so, possibly more, that we have gone over in the past few weeks. This will take the rest of this week and all of next week. It's due next Thursday. Also, next Thursday is my lab practical for the class. PLEASE explain to me how I am supposed to research all this bacteria to make sure I am properly doing my unknown, AND study for two huge tests. Then the following week I have a research paper and powerpoint presentation...so the small fall break that I DO get, I will be working on that. THIS IS ALL THE SAME CLASS....my goodness.

Psych: This class is a struggle for me. The teacher does not teach, she shares stories. No matter how in depth I get into the text or how much I study her study guides, I CANNOT get an A on her tests. So I guess that means it's time to hit this material double time.

Stats: Three chapters of online homework due right after fall break. I have time, I just don't know where that time is...

Poetry: I love to write. But my work for this class sucks. Because I don't have time to write how I want to write...but I'm making a B so I guess it's okay.

But if that doesn't stress you out just reading it then please tell me your secret because I am about to break. I need a vacation...but I won't even get one until Christmas break. THAT even stresses me out. I just want this season to pass. I want to be able to relax and breath a sigh of relief and SMILE. I miss smiling. I miss laughing. I miss feeling light and free of stress.

I have so much left to say....but I can't even write anymore.

Please pray for me.

The Big Two-Oh

Okay let's be honest for a second...there is really nothing extremely special about a 20th birthday. It's kind of like being in limbo. You've already been 18, and able to buy cigarettes and lottery tickets (big whoop), and you're not quite 21 yet and able to drink. You're just...20. The same rules still apply. But I guess there is one plus: hey, you're not a "teen" anymore! Seriously, no big surprise that my 20th birthday wasn't the best birthday of my life. But it was a great day and I am lucky to have shared it with the people I was able to share it with.

There is something that always seems to happen on birthdays though, at least for me, and that doesn't matter whether it's your 15th birthday or your 20th. You always seem to find out who REALLY cares and who doesn't. Birthdays can be so telling for relationships. My birthday really surprised me, actually. I woke up to the best chocolate chip birthday pancakes from the most special man in my life...and even though they were extremely chocolatey, they were delicious and the fact that he made them for me meant the world to me. He took good care of me ALL day yesterday, and I hope he knows that every little thing he did for me did not go unnoticed. Then I got homemade birthday cards from each one of my little cousins, and they were just the cutest cards I have ever seen in my life and brought the biggest smiles to my face. My best friend brought me unexpected gifts that meant so much to me, and spent the whole day making me smile. Even when I got my hair done, the best friend and the boyfriend were right there with me. My family ordered me a Batman cake for my birthday, and put "Natman" on it...something simple like that just lets me know I am heard and cared about. My daddy got me the sweetest cards (not card!) and some yummy candy. And the people who showed up just to spend a couple hours with me on my birthday made my heart smile so huge. And to all the people who took two minutes out of their day just to write on my wall or text me to say, Happy Birthday!, made me feel so special. You will never know how much something so simple means to me. Thank you.

I don't think your birthday should be about how old you're turning, and what that is going to mean for you legally or socially. I don't think your birthday should be about going out and getting crazy or stacking up gifts against your bedroom wall. I think your birthday should be about spending time with the ones you love and who love you back, and if they can put a smile on your face and you theirs, that is the most beautiful gift in the world.

Thanking the Lord for letting me live to see another year.

Mother's Day

Mother's Day has never been an easy day for me. When this day rolls around, I am usually lost in sadness and "what if's." I haven't seen my mom in almost ten years. Ten years. That's a decade! Most of the people I associate with see their mothers at least twice a week, if not more. Most of my friends have close and personal relationships with their mothers and can talk about them openly and with a smile. That has never been the case for me. Talk of my mom never really leaves my lips, unless it's to tell someone why they never see her around me or why I never speak of her. The answer is simple, but the explanation is strenuous and I won't even get into it in this blog. The point of the matter is that I have spent nearly twenty years with very little encounter with my mom, and for the past ten of those years, close to no encounter. The memories I have of her are very few, and most of them are not positive. There are so many events in my life that I wish she could have been there for. There is so much I wish I could have told her, and so many nights I wish I had her arms to cry in. She has done so much in my life to hurt me and for years I held a grudge towards her, trying to forgive but never really getting that far. We have a tendency to talk for awhile very consistently, and then it becomes sporadic and we go months, maybe sometimes even years, with little or no contact. The end of last year, I severed all ties between my mom and I. I had made a conscious decision that I never wanted to speak to her again, that I wanted her out of my life forever. That changed on February 26th when I accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior (for the third time in my life.) I began craving conversation with her, so I reached out. I am working so hard at forgetting everything that she put me through, and I feel that I am doing a really good job. I am ready to move on, away from the past. I want a relationship with my mom, despite any hardships we may have faced, and despite all the years we have been separated from one another. My birthday will be a decade since I have seen my mother. I don't know when I will see her again, but I pray it does happen. I hope with all my heart that we can have the mother/daughter relationship that I know we both have always wanted.
Mom, if you're reading this right now, I love you. I never stopped loving you, and I never will. And I forgive you for everything that our past contains, and I pray that you can forgive me as well. I thank God that you are back in my life and I promise I will never turn my back on you again. I promise that I will work at our relationship...hard. Thank you for accepting me back into your life and loving me even when I didn't love myself, or felt that I didn't love you. 


Lord, I just want to thank You for bringing my mom and I back together. I thank You that the past is forever gone and it does not dictate the future. God I pray You grant both my mom and I the patience to work at our relationship, and that we would never again walk away from one another and could one day reunite. No task is too big for you, God, and I have the utmost faith that I will see my mom again. Until then Lord I pray that she and I would communicate openly and even when times get rough between us, we would not lose sight of the importance of our relationship. Thank You, Father. Amen. 

Redefining Happiness

It's pretty sad that nothing can really make me happy anymore. Or at least the things that USED to make me happy fail to do so anymore. There was a man who used to make me happier than I imagined possible. Now the thought of him makes me sick to my stomach. I used to be perfectly content with being alone at my apartment, enjoying "me" time or just watching TV by myself. Now I can't stand the thought of being alone, and I avoid it at all costs so that I don't have an anxiety attack. Honestly the only times I am EVER alone are when I'm in the shower/using the bathroom, and when Alisa leaves for class Monday and Wednesday mornings. As soon as I wake up on those days I get my shit together and I am off to the library where there are hundreds of people constantly coming and going. And even when I go home on the weekends, my dog sleeps with me at night so I'm never really alone. I refuse to be. My emotions used to be carefree and happy. Now fear has dominated me and taken my body for its home. I guess it is simply fear of the unknown. I am redefining happy.

The only explanation for this is change. We all change, no matter how much we try to avoid it, it's inevitable. Everything around us is due to change at some point. Nothing EVER remains the same, and we need to stop trying to force it to stay.

I don't mean this blog to make anyone think I am not happy with my life and that I have become a frightened woman who doesn't want to put her neck back out there, because that would be a false impression. I LOVE to live. It just seems that right now God is reshaping me, and helping me focus on "redefining happy" as I previously stated. Now what makes me happy is working out at the gym to the point that I don't know if I can lift one more weight, and running so fast and hard that my lungs burn. What makes me happy is surrounding myself with music, photography, and finally writing again. Which leads me to my next point, and what I wrote about yesterday. There are no words, not really, for how grateful I am for the person who entered my life and has me writing again. I am smiling just typing this because I am so thankful that God placed him in my life. The timing is horribly odd but it makes no difference, change happens when it wants to, according to know man's wishes. He makes me happy. And it's completely insane. Thank you for making me want to write again. Oh and if your name is Alisa or Becca, you make me insanely happy, too. And it helps that I have the best family a girl could ever hope for. I really am blessed, whether or not I always see it.

What else makes me happy? Well I am leaving for Trinidad and Tobago 14 days after today. This is the opportunity of a lifetime. I cannot wait. I'm sure I'll be blogging about that every day that I am there.

I love life. I really do.

I Want To Write A Book

For the past few years I have said a thousand times that I want to write a book. A book about me. A book about the life I lived as a child and how it made me into who I am today. I want to write a book to inspire teenage girls everywhere. And I want this book to be huge. Not for me, for them. I have so many stories I wouldn't even know where to begin. But I have to begin somewhere, and I feel like I am being called to do this. I want to have it complete and published by the end of my college days. I think I can accomplish it. I know it won't be an easy task but I'll welcome it with open arms no matter how tough the challenge may be. Writing is all I ever think about.

So after my finals, and when I am home, I am going to sit down and I am going to write. Just write. Stories. Events. Memories. Moments. Whatever impacted me and made me this person. I feel I have a lot to say. A lot that needs to be heard.

The Challenge:
Complete 101 preset tasks in a period of 1001 days.


The Criteria:
Tasks must be specific (ie. no ambiguity in the wording) with a result that is either measurable or clearly defined. Tasks must also be realistic and stretching (ie. represent some amount of work on your part).
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Why 1001 Days?
Many people have created lists in the past - frequently simple challenges such as New Year's resolutions or a 'Bucket List'. The key to beating procrastination is to set a deadline that is realistic. 1001 Days (about 2.75 years) is a better period of time than a year, because it allows you several seasons to complete the tasks, which is better for organizing and timing some tasks such as overseas trips, study semesters, or outdoor activities.

Start: 10-10-11
End: 07-17-2014
Completed: 28

1. Make the dean's list again.
2. No soda for a month.
3. Get my first tattoo.
4. Find my first four leaf clover.
5. Vote in an election.
6. Travel outside of the country.
7. Get my license.
8. Get a car.
9. Visit my family in Utah.
10. Visit my grandma in Idaho.
11. Gain 10 pounds. (115 lbs)
12. Be able to run a mile in under 10 minutes.
13. Be able to run 2 miles without stopping.
14. Participate in a 5k.
15. Donate my hair to Locks of Love.
16. Get a summer job.
17. Make straight A's
18. Do 10 paid photo shoots. (3/10)
19. Visit a state that I’ve never been to.
20. Make a new friend.
21. Save $100.
22. Save $500.
23. Save $1000.
24. Go on a road trip.
25. Get a piece of my writing published.
26. Learn how to cook 50 new dishes. (7/50)
27. Go horseback riding.
28. Learn how to fold a paper crane.
29. Fold 1000 paper cranes. (0/1000)
30. Hide paper cranes in random places for people to find.
31. Be complaint free for 30 days.
32. Go on a camping trip.
33. Visit Dollywood.
34. Stay in a cabin in Gatlinburg.
35. Buy a macro lens.
36. Go to San Francisco for the first time.
37. Go to Disney World for the first time.
38. Make a scrapbook of college photos.
39. Knit 10 scarves. (0/10)
40. Read 50 books. (2/50)
41. Be a part of Habitat for Humanity.
42. Visit a spa.
43. Write a letter to myself to be opened after I get engaged.
44. Write a letter to myself to be opened after I am married.
45. Write a letter to myself to be opened when I become pregnant.
46. Write a letter to my best friend to be opened when she gets engaged.
47. Write a letter to my best friend to be opened when she becomes pregnant.
48. Have a bonfire complete with smores.
49. Go on a picnic and fly a kite.
50. Knit a blanket.
51. Go to Las Vegas.
52. Go to a casino.
53. Complete 10 fuzzy posters. (1/10)
54. Go on a mini shopping spree.
55. Drink 4 bottles of water a day for a month.
56. Throw someone a surprise party.
57. Learn how to ride a bike.
58. Learn how to drive a stick shift.
59. Compliment 5 people a day for a week.
60. Take a yoga class.
61. Take a self-defense class with my best friend.
62. Do zumba 10 times. (10/10)
63. Stay off of Facebook for one week.
64. Have an ugly sweater Christmas party.
65. Stop cussing for an entire week.
66. Have 3 pen-pals from different spots in the world. (0/3)
67. Have a Disney movie marathon.
68. Have 50 followers on my blog.
69. Learn to meditate.
70. Start my own little photography business.
71. Score at least a 200 in bowling.
72. Go shoot at a shooting range.
73. Learn to say hello in 50 languages. (0/50)
74. Learn to say I love you in 50 languages. (0/50)
75. Learn to play 5 songs on the piano. (0/5)
76. Go do karaoke with friends.
77. Send a message in a bottle.
78. Start a dream or prayer journal.
79. Lay under the stars with someone and talk deeply about life.
80. Go to the zoo ten times. (8/10)
81. Bake chocolate chip cookies from scratch five times. (1/5)
82. Visit Rock City again.
83. Wake up early enough to watch the sunrise.
84. Watch the sunset with someone I care about.
85. Visit a museum.
86. Dance like a kid in the rain five times. (0/5)
87. Go to Alcatraz.
88. Have a small pet, such as a fish.
89. Have a meaningful conversation with someone I barely know.
90. Go to a wedding.
91. Go to a midnight showing of a movie.
92. Make twenty people genuinely smile. (5/20)
93. Stay up on New Year’s Eve and get kissed at midnight.
94. Spend an entire day outdoors being active.
95. Pull an all-nighter with a friend.
96. Finish an entire coloring book.
97. Have a girl’s night out.
98. Enjoy a night of nothing but ice cream and movies with someone I care about.
99. Go to a drive in movie for the first time.
100. Write a love letter.
101. Do the Love Dare.

Road Blocks

Do you ever just have so much you want to write about, but everything seems to get in your way? That has been me for the past few days. No, it's not writer's block - I definitely know what I want to write about. We'll call them...road blocks. There's always something popping up in my days that makes it impossible to get to my blog. It seems for all the good I had those two days with the concert and the Country Music Hall of Fame, there was just as much bad in the following days.

The day after the concert, I woke up feeling extremely sore. The front of my legs and feet hurt to move and were on fire. I guess I learned my lesson about wearing four inch heeled boots to a concert! I felt really horrible that day. Light headed, dizzy, just rough. I took some ibuprofen and it did no good. The whole day I just felt like I was in this funk. I didn't want to be around people. Later on I realized I was having an anxiety attack. So I took some medicine, and it made me crazyyyy tired. The next morning I woke up with a swollen tongue, oh yay. I tried to see if it would go away on its own, but it just kept getting worse over a couple days and my lymph node became swollen as well. So I went to TUCA, and they turned me away telling me I needed to go to the ER instead. So that's what I did, even though I was extremely upset. TUCA would have been $35 with my insurance. The ER is $100. They told me I just have to let it run its course. It's basically a big canker sore gone wrong. I get canker sores a lot but never like this. I can barely talk, can't really eat or drink...it's horrible let me tell ya. So I get to wait it out. And guess how long it can last? Up to 14 days. FREAKING SWEEEEEET.

And then yesterday morning, up comes running this beagle puppy. Cutest thing I have ever seen. So we decide to keep her at our house and try to find the owner. After a day of searching throughout our neighborhood with no luck we came to the conclusion that she was probably abandoned. I've been trying to find her a new home. She spent the night in my room last night, because of course I've been the one to be taking care of her, and she was just so sweet. But now I feel horrible, because my dogs don't like her being in the house so we have to keep her outside and it is just so hot out there. I can't stand it. I try to bring her in but she's so wild. She just wants to play with them and she wants to be loved. I am trying my little butt off to get this pup into a good home. She's in the backyard just howling and crying away. It makes my heart ache so much.

So the past four days have been filled with either anxiety, pain, or a hard to control puppy. I am stressed like crazy and I am ready for this all to be over. I move into school on Friday, and I have no money for books still. I don't have a clue as to what the hell I am going to do but I am trying to keep the faith. Wish me luck.

Maroon 5, Train, and an unforgettable couple of days.

Wednesday night, a night I had been waiting on for MONTHS to approach, finally came! It also disappeared far too quickly. For those of you who don't already know, my dad and I went to see Maroon 5 and Train that night. I promised some people a detailed blog of what went on, and I keep my promises...so here goes! Sorry if it becomes incredibly long.

We left the house around 3:20 or so, and headed to our hotel in downtown Nashville. Daddy got us a suite at the Hilton for the night. We checked in, and walked over to the Bridgestone to get our tickets. We asked the lady about the meet and greet with Maroon 5, and she told us that we needed to be out front at 5:15. (The concert started at 7:00). We had plans to eat and then head to the concert, so at this point we had absolutely no time at all to grab dinner. We were both starving. So we rush back to the Hilton so daddy can finish getting ready, then rush back over to Bridgestone. And we wait. And we wait. And we wait some more. It's a good bit past 5:15, and we are seeing people with meet and greet passes around their necks, something that we don't have, because the lady at the front earlier told me we didn't get any. I go back up to the window to a different lady. She then proceeds to tell me that the Maroon 5 meet and greet was already taking place, and that our names were not on the list. At this point we are both almost in tears we are so angry. But turns out that lady didn't have a clue what she was talking about, and neither did the rest of the people who work there. So I go up to these 3 people just standing around, and asked them if they were there for the same meet and greet, thankfully they said they were. That eased the tension in our stomachs a little bit. However, we still had NO idea what was going on! We didn't know where we were supposed to be, what time the meet and greet was, and about a million other things. Sometime after 6, my dad spotted a guy with a bunch of Maroon 5 meet and greet passes around his neck. So I went up to him and asked him about it, and THANK GOODNESS, he was the guy for our meet and greet! But, our names weren't on the list. My daddy showed him our tickets and his receipts and everything, and the guy gave us our passes and told us this happens all the time and that he was personally going to yell at the people in charge of making those lists. Finally around 6:15 we headed to meet Maroon 5! We waited in line for about 15 minutes, and finally we had our chance. When we were standing there waiting for our turn to take a photo with the band, I was definitely checking out Adam! I mean come on, what girl doesn't think Adam Levine is SMOKING hot?! And here comes the part that makes me want to faint...Adam Levine made eye contact with me. WITH ME! And he did it more than once. I thought I was imagining things, but a couple other people pointed out that he was definitely checking me out. HOW CRAZY IS THAT?! We got up to the band, and they all signed our meet and greet pass. I said hello to all of them, shook all their hands, and actually wasn't nearly as nervous as I thought I was going to be. Let me just say, Adam is really gorgeous in person. And way taller than I thought he was. He's easily over 6 feet. I stood right there beside him, arm around him and all, and we had our picture taken with Maroon 5! We won't get to see the photo for about a week, and I am super impatient. I can't wait to see it! That moment passed far too quickly. We got an autographed photo, and we were on our way to enjoy the concert!

So did I mention how incredible our seats were? We were in the 3rd row, in seats 7 and 8. A couple people didn't show up, and some ended up leaving, so we scooted down and became more center stage. Maroon 5 put on an awesome show! Adam definitely has amazing stage performance. I danced like crazy and my throat hurt so bad from singing so loud! When Maroon 5 was all finished up, Matt Flynn (the drummer) threw his drumstick into the crowd....RIGHT AT US. It hit my hand, and before I knew it, the drumstick was gone. I was looking everywhere for it, and my dad had caught it! We were both shaking like crazy, it was just about the coolest thing ever. My dad caught a Maroon 5 drumstick! At this point I didn't think that there was much that could make this concert any better! After awhile, Train came out. And holy cow...Pat can SING! It was unbelievable. And then something absolutely insane happened. Pat said he needed some ladies to come up on stage and help him sing and dance. Girls were screaming like crazy, trying to get picked. He pointed to two girls in front of me. Then he said, "Oh and anyone else who thinks I might have pointed to them." I looked at daddy, he said "Go!", and I ran up there like there was no tomorrow. I elbowed girls out of my way, and I forced myself through the crowd of females, and I was the LAST one they let up on that stage! Here I was standing on stage with the band Train. How absolutely insane is that?! I danced and sang with TRAIN! I didn't even notice the thousands of people in the crowd. It was just me, the band, and the other girls on stage having a freaking blast. That moment was over all too fast as well. The rest of the concert was simply OUTSTANDING. I am so sad it's over. It's definitely a night I am never going to forget!

Yesterday we had breakfast at the Hilton, and we went to the Country Music Hall of Fame and Museum. We got the most expensive package, which included a tour of RCA Studio B. If you don't know what that is, it's the studio where tons of artists have recorded their music. Over half of Elvis's songs he recorded there. Tons of other artists did as well. But what stuck out to both me and my dad was Elvis. We walked into that room, and a feeling came over me that I will never be able to explain, not even with a million words. In the corner sat Elvis's favorite piano. The piano he had played more than any other. I promise you, you could feel Elvis in that room. You could feel his spirit. He was there. I learned so much that touched my soul. We had the opportunity to sit at that piano, and to play it. I couldn't barely breathe. My dad and I were both in tears. It's something that you just can't explain. It's something that you have to experience for yourself.

So as you can see, I had a wonderful past couple of days. I am so lucky and blessed to have the father I do. He enabled all of this, and I am so grateful. I can't believe I met Maroon 5. I can't believe I danced on stage with Train. Me. It's hard to wrap my head around. It's something I am never going to forget. I don't think there's much in this world that could top the experience I had.

Photos and videos can be found on Facebook!

-Nastassia*

Life, Death, and Progeria

I have been putting off writing this for a few days now, because to be honest I just don't know how. Maybe it's for fear of finally admitting all of it to myself, and making it more than thoughts in my head. Maybe it's because I think I'll shake it all off. But I am drowning in emotions and there has to be an outlet. Writing has to be my outlet.

About a month ago, Ryan and I took a trip to Florida to see his family. On the drive back, just when we were about to be home, the thought of death struck me and scared me to my core. I have no idea why, but I haven't been able to shake it since. What scared me so much was the thought of what occurs AFTER. Is there really a Heaven, a God? Am I living my life good enough to please any higher being? Am I just going to die one day, and never wake up? Am I going to cease to exist and my memory fade over years gone by? I don't know the answer to any single one of these questions, yet I cannot stop asking myself these questions every single day since that night. When I have time to myself during the day, I think about life and how it's too short. I think about how quickly a day passes. Then I think about death, decaying, and withering away. Death is taunting me. Life is taunting me. Which is it? I am so confused with all of this I could just scream. At least that was how it was up until a couple of nights ago. And then it's as if someone, somewhere, helped answer all of my questions in a way I had to piece together myself.

A couple of nights ago, my family, Ryan, and I were all sitting around the TV. A special about children with Progeria came on. It captured my attention from the get-go. I'd always been very intrigued and curious with the disease. For those that have no background knowledge, progeria is a disease that causes the body to age and deteriorate at a rapid speed. A 5 year old's body would be in the condition of an 80 year old. Yet their mindset would still be that of a 5 year old. The lifespan is not lengthy. It is a horrible and sad disease. This is the case for a small percent of children in the world, and 3 little girls who deeply touched my heart. On that screen, I saw three girls (two of them 6 years old, one of them 12) who had the biggest love for life that I have ever seen. Every day they are faced with challenges that you nor I could possibly conceive. These challenges are much larger than mine, much greater than yours. They stare death in the face every second that their heart is beating. Do you think they worry? Not one single bit. They don't waste a second - they spend their time loving large and smiling. I don't think I heard a single complaint leave any of their lips. They understand what a precious gift life is, and they utilize every tool for happiness they can manage. They look different from you and I, they develop differently. And do you know the biggest difference between these beautiful children with progeria, and you and I? I'll let you draw your own conclusion and answer that yourselves. For me, they opened my eyes and my heart. They spoke to me on such a deep level, and they answered all the questions I had.

I don't know what happens after we die. I don't know if there is a God, I don't know if there is Heaven. I want to believe there is something, but I can't know for sure. Nobody can know for sure until that time comes. I don't know if what I am going through is a curse or a blessing. I guess in actuality it could be seen as both. It is a curse. I think about death every single day. I think about ceasing to exist and everything that I love eventually disappearing off of this earth, perhaps forever. I think about there being no life whatsoever after this life on earth ends. And yes it is terrifying to me. I worry because the days I have are too short and every moment I live goes by far too fast. I get sick to my stomach at the thought of losing my life and the lives of those dear to me. However in contrast, it is a blessing. I am aware of how short this life on earth is. I am aware that a moment will pass you by so quickly you may not even realize it. I understand how precious one life is. I appreciate every second I am given, and I try not to waste any of my time. Life is a GIFT. It should not be wasted, it should be appreciated. Please, if you take anything from this blog, understand that you are so beautiful, so important, and your life is special. Try not to let those little moments pass you by. Put that gorgeous smile on your face and enjoy this life while you have it. You never know when it can disappear from beneath you.

I would love to hear from each of you that read this, somehow. I want to know your favorite things about the life you live: the big things, but the small things especially. What is it that gives you hope, gives you joy, gives you love and a sense of fulfillment? For me it's looking into the eyes of the man I love - and REALLY looking. For me it's a room filled with my family's laughter creating the most lovely sound I have ever heard. For me it's the sound the wind makes when it rustles the leaves of the crispy brown leaves in fall. It's a warm smile from a stranger. It's the crunchy sound the snow makes when you walk on it. It's the smell of Thanksgiving dinner coming from my grandma's kitchen, and the way we all come together as a big family and put aside all differences, and why can't this be every day? Why can't every day be full of joy and love? There will be hardships. There will be times when you feel like you have hit the bottom. But you are alive, and there is always joy to be had. Look a little bit deeper into this life you are living. Look a little bit deeper into those little things that make you smile. I could list things that make me smile all day. It's important that we don't ever FORGET any of these things. Cherish each other and the time you have.

If you took the time to read this, I want to sincerely thank you from the bottom of my heart. I hope that at least some of it will sink in and stick with you.

-Nastassia*