Redefining Happiness

It's pretty sad that nothing can really make me happy anymore. Or at least the things that USED to make me happy fail to do so anymore. There was a man who used to make me happier than I imagined possible. Now the thought of him makes me sick to my stomach. I used to be perfectly content with being alone at my apartment, enjoying "me" time or just watching TV by myself. Now I can't stand the thought of being alone, and I avoid it at all costs so that I don't have an anxiety attack. Honestly the only times I am EVER alone are when I'm in the shower/using the bathroom, and when Alisa leaves for class Monday and Wednesday mornings. As soon as I wake up on those days I get my shit together and I am off to the library where there are hundreds of people constantly coming and going. And even when I go home on the weekends, my dog sleeps with me at night so I'm never really alone. I refuse to be. My emotions used to be carefree and happy. Now fear has dominated me and taken my body for its home. I guess it is simply fear of the unknown. I am redefining happy.

The only explanation for this is change. We all change, no matter how much we try to avoid it, it's inevitable. Everything around us is due to change at some point. Nothing EVER remains the same, and we need to stop trying to force it to stay.

I don't mean this blog to make anyone think I am not happy with my life and that I have become a frightened woman who doesn't want to put her neck back out there, because that would be a false impression. I LOVE to live. It just seems that right now God is reshaping me, and helping me focus on "redefining happy" as I previously stated. Now what makes me happy is working out at the gym to the point that I don't know if I can lift one more weight, and running so fast and hard that my lungs burn. What makes me happy is surrounding myself with music, photography, and finally writing again. Which leads me to my next point, and what I wrote about yesterday. There are no words, not really, for how grateful I am for the person who entered my life and has me writing again. I am smiling just typing this because I am so thankful that God placed him in my life. The timing is horribly odd but it makes no difference, change happens when it wants to, according to know man's wishes. He makes me happy. And it's completely insane. Thank you for making me want to write again. Oh and if your name is Alisa or Becca, you make me insanely happy, too. And it helps that I have the best family a girl could ever hope for. I really am blessed, whether or not I always see it.

What else makes me happy? Well I am leaving for Trinidad and Tobago 14 days after today. This is the opportunity of a lifetime. I cannot wait. I'm sure I'll be blogging about that every day that I am there.

I love life. I really do.