The Big Two-Oh

Okay let's be honest for a second...there is really nothing extremely special about a 20th birthday. It's kind of like being in limbo. You've already been 18, and able to buy cigarettes and lottery tickets (big whoop), and you're not quite 21 yet and able to drink. You're just...20. The same rules still apply. But I guess there is one plus: hey, you're not a "teen" anymore! Seriously, no big surprise that my 20th birthday wasn't the best birthday of my life. But it was a great day and I am lucky to have shared it with the people I was able to share it with.

There is something that always seems to happen on birthdays though, at least for me, and that doesn't matter whether it's your 15th birthday or your 20th. You always seem to find out who REALLY cares and who doesn't. Birthdays can be so telling for relationships. My birthday really surprised me, actually. I woke up to the best chocolate chip birthday pancakes from the most special man in my life...and even though they were extremely chocolatey, they were delicious and the fact that he made them for me meant the world to me. He took good care of me ALL day yesterday, and I hope he knows that every little thing he did for me did not go unnoticed. Then I got homemade birthday cards from each one of my little cousins, and they were just the cutest cards I have ever seen in my life and brought the biggest smiles to my face. My best friend brought me unexpected gifts that meant so much to me, and spent the whole day making me smile. Even when I got my hair done, the best friend and the boyfriend were right there with me. My family ordered me a Batman cake for my birthday, and put "Natman" on it...something simple like that just lets me know I am heard and cared about. My daddy got me the sweetest cards (not card!) and some yummy candy. And the people who showed up just to spend a couple hours with me on my birthday made my heart smile so huge. And to all the people who took two minutes out of their day just to write on my wall or text me to say, Happy Birthday!, made me feel so special. You will never know how much something so simple means to me. Thank you.

I don't think your birthday should be about how old you're turning, and what that is going to mean for you legally or socially. I don't think your birthday should be about going out and getting crazy or stacking up gifts against your bedroom wall. I think your birthday should be about spending time with the ones you love and who love you back, and if they can put a smile on your face and you theirs, that is the most beautiful gift in the world.

Thanking the Lord for letting me live to see another year.

Mother's Day

Mother's Day has never been an easy day for me. When this day rolls around, I am usually lost in sadness and "what if's." I haven't seen my mom in almost ten years. Ten years. That's a decade! Most of the people I associate with see their mothers at least twice a week, if not more. Most of my friends have close and personal relationships with their mothers and can talk about them openly and with a smile. That has never been the case for me. Talk of my mom never really leaves my lips, unless it's to tell someone why they never see her around me or why I never speak of her. The answer is simple, but the explanation is strenuous and I won't even get into it in this blog. The point of the matter is that I have spent nearly twenty years with very little encounter with my mom, and for the past ten of those years, close to no encounter. The memories I have of her are very few, and most of them are not positive. There are so many events in my life that I wish she could have been there for. There is so much I wish I could have told her, and so many nights I wish I had her arms to cry in. She has done so much in my life to hurt me and for years I held a grudge towards her, trying to forgive but never really getting that far. We have a tendency to talk for awhile very consistently, and then it becomes sporadic and we go months, maybe sometimes even years, with little or no contact. The end of last year, I severed all ties between my mom and I. I had made a conscious decision that I never wanted to speak to her again, that I wanted her out of my life forever. That changed on February 26th when I accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior (for the third time in my life.) I began craving conversation with her, so I reached out. I am working so hard at forgetting everything that she put me through, and I feel that I am doing a really good job. I am ready to move on, away from the past. I want a relationship with my mom, despite any hardships we may have faced, and despite all the years we have been separated from one another. My birthday will be a decade since I have seen my mother. I don't know when I will see her again, but I pray it does happen. I hope with all my heart that we can have the mother/daughter relationship that I know we both have always wanted.
Mom, if you're reading this right now, I love you. I never stopped loving you, and I never will. And I forgive you for everything that our past contains, and I pray that you can forgive me as well. I thank God that you are back in my life and I promise I will never turn my back on you again. I promise that I will work at our relationship...hard. Thank you for accepting me back into your life and loving me even when I didn't love myself, or felt that I didn't love you. 


Lord, I just want to thank You for bringing my mom and I back together. I thank You that the past is forever gone and it does not dictate the future. God I pray You grant both my mom and I the patience to work at our relationship, and that we would never again walk away from one another and could one day reunite. No task is too big for you, God, and I have the utmost faith that I will see my mom again. Until then Lord I pray that she and I would communicate openly and even when times get rough between us, we would not lose sight of the importance of our relationship. Thank You, Father. Amen. 

Redefining Happiness

It's pretty sad that nothing can really make me happy anymore. Or at least the things that USED to make me happy fail to do so anymore. There was a man who used to make me happier than I imagined possible. Now the thought of him makes me sick to my stomach. I used to be perfectly content with being alone at my apartment, enjoying "me" time or just watching TV by myself. Now I can't stand the thought of being alone, and I avoid it at all costs so that I don't have an anxiety attack. Honestly the only times I am EVER alone are when I'm in the shower/using the bathroom, and when Alisa leaves for class Monday and Wednesday mornings. As soon as I wake up on those days I get my shit together and I am off to the library where there are hundreds of people constantly coming and going. And even when I go home on the weekends, my dog sleeps with me at night so I'm never really alone. I refuse to be. My emotions used to be carefree and happy. Now fear has dominated me and taken my body for its home. I guess it is simply fear of the unknown. I am redefining happy.

The only explanation for this is change. We all change, no matter how much we try to avoid it, it's inevitable. Everything around us is due to change at some point. Nothing EVER remains the same, and we need to stop trying to force it to stay.

I don't mean this blog to make anyone think I am not happy with my life and that I have become a frightened woman who doesn't want to put her neck back out there, because that would be a false impression. I LOVE to live. It just seems that right now God is reshaping me, and helping me focus on "redefining happy" as I previously stated. Now what makes me happy is working out at the gym to the point that I don't know if I can lift one more weight, and running so fast and hard that my lungs burn. What makes me happy is surrounding myself with music, photography, and finally writing again. Which leads me to my next point, and what I wrote about yesterday. There are no words, not really, for how grateful I am for the person who entered my life and has me writing again. I am smiling just typing this because I am so thankful that God placed him in my life. The timing is horribly odd but it makes no difference, change happens when it wants to, according to know man's wishes. He makes me happy. And it's completely insane. Thank you for making me want to write again. Oh and if your name is Alisa or Becca, you make me insanely happy, too. And it helps that I have the best family a girl could ever hope for. I really am blessed, whether or not I always see it.

What else makes me happy? Well I am leaving for Trinidad and Tobago 14 days after today. This is the opportunity of a lifetime. I cannot wait. I'm sure I'll be blogging about that every day that I am there.

I love life. I really do.

I Want To Write A Book

For the past few years I have said a thousand times that I want to write a book. A book about me. A book about the life I lived as a child and how it made me into who I am today. I want to write a book to inspire teenage girls everywhere. And I want this book to be huge. Not for me, for them. I have so many stories I wouldn't even know where to begin. But I have to begin somewhere, and I feel like I am being called to do this. I want to have it complete and published by the end of my college days. I think I can accomplish it. I know it won't be an easy task but I'll welcome it with open arms no matter how tough the challenge may be. Writing is all I ever think about.

So after my finals, and when I am home, I am going to sit down and I am going to write. Just write. Stories. Events. Memories. Moments. Whatever impacted me and made me this person. I feel I have a lot to say. A lot that needs to be heard.

The Challenge:
Complete 101 preset tasks in a period of 1001 days.


The Criteria:
Tasks must be specific (ie. no ambiguity in the wording) with a result that is either measurable or clearly defined. Tasks must also be realistic and stretching (ie. represent some amount of work on your part).
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Why 1001 Days?
Many people have created lists in the past - frequently simple challenges such as New Year's resolutions or a 'Bucket List'. The key to beating procrastination is to set a deadline that is realistic. 1001 Days (about 2.75 years) is a better period of time than a year, because it allows you several seasons to complete the tasks, which is better for organizing and timing some tasks such as overseas trips, study semesters, or outdoor activities.

Start: 10-10-11
End: 07-17-2014
Completed: 28

1. Make the dean's list again.
2. No soda for a month.
3. Get my first tattoo.
4. Find my first four leaf clover.
5. Vote in an election.
6. Travel outside of the country.
7. Get my license.
8. Get a car.
9. Visit my family in Utah.
10. Visit my grandma in Idaho.
11. Gain 10 pounds. (115 lbs)
12. Be able to run a mile in under 10 minutes.
13. Be able to run 2 miles without stopping.
14. Participate in a 5k.
15. Donate my hair to Locks of Love.
16. Get a summer job.
17. Make straight A's
18. Do 10 paid photo shoots. (3/10)
19. Visit a state that I’ve never been to.
20. Make a new friend.
21. Save $100.
22. Save $500.
23. Save $1000.
24. Go on a road trip.
25. Get a piece of my writing published.
26. Learn how to cook 50 new dishes. (7/50)
27. Go horseback riding.
28. Learn how to fold a paper crane.
29. Fold 1000 paper cranes. (0/1000)
30. Hide paper cranes in random places for people to find.
31. Be complaint free for 30 days.
32. Go on a camping trip.
33. Visit Dollywood.
34. Stay in a cabin in Gatlinburg.
35. Buy a macro lens.
36. Go to San Francisco for the first time.
37. Go to Disney World for the first time.
38. Make a scrapbook of college photos.
39. Knit 10 scarves. (0/10)
40. Read 50 books. (2/50)
41. Be a part of Habitat for Humanity.
42. Visit a spa.
43. Write a letter to myself to be opened after I get engaged.
44. Write a letter to myself to be opened after I am married.
45. Write a letter to myself to be opened when I become pregnant.
46. Write a letter to my best friend to be opened when she gets engaged.
47. Write a letter to my best friend to be opened when she becomes pregnant.
48. Have a bonfire complete with smores.
49. Go on a picnic and fly a kite.
50. Knit a blanket.
51. Go to Las Vegas.
52. Go to a casino.
53. Complete 10 fuzzy posters. (1/10)
54. Go on a mini shopping spree.
55. Drink 4 bottles of water a day for a month.
56. Throw someone a surprise party.
57. Learn how to ride a bike.
58. Learn how to drive a stick shift.
59. Compliment 5 people a day for a week.
60. Take a yoga class.
61. Take a self-defense class with my best friend.
62. Do zumba 10 times. (10/10)
63. Stay off of Facebook for one week.
64. Have an ugly sweater Christmas party.
65. Stop cussing for an entire week.
66. Have 3 pen-pals from different spots in the world. (0/3)
67. Have a Disney movie marathon.
68. Have 50 followers on my blog.
69. Learn to meditate.
70. Start my own little photography business.
71. Score at least a 200 in bowling.
72. Go shoot at a shooting range.
73. Learn to say hello in 50 languages. (0/50)
74. Learn to say I love you in 50 languages. (0/50)
75. Learn to play 5 songs on the piano. (0/5)
76. Go do karaoke with friends.
77. Send a message in a bottle.
78. Start a dream or prayer journal.
79. Lay under the stars with someone and talk deeply about life.
80. Go to the zoo ten times. (8/10)
81. Bake chocolate chip cookies from scratch five times. (1/5)
82. Visit Rock City again.
83. Wake up early enough to watch the sunrise.
84. Watch the sunset with someone I care about.
85. Visit a museum.
86. Dance like a kid in the rain five times. (0/5)
87. Go to Alcatraz.
88. Have a small pet, such as a fish.
89. Have a meaningful conversation with someone I barely know.
90. Go to a wedding.
91. Go to a midnight showing of a movie.
92. Make twenty people genuinely smile. (5/20)
93. Stay up on New Year’s Eve and get kissed at midnight.
94. Spend an entire day outdoors being active.
95. Pull an all-nighter with a friend.
96. Finish an entire coloring book.
97. Have a girl’s night out.
98. Enjoy a night of nothing but ice cream and movies with someone I care about.
99. Go to a drive in movie for the first time.
100. Write a love letter.
101. Do the Love Dare.

Road Blocks

Do you ever just have so much you want to write about, but everything seems to get in your way? That has been me for the past few days. No, it's not writer's block - I definitely know what I want to write about. We'll call them...road blocks. There's always something popping up in my days that makes it impossible to get to my blog. It seems for all the good I had those two days with the concert and the Country Music Hall of Fame, there was just as much bad in the following days.

The day after the concert, I woke up feeling extremely sore. The front of my legs and feet hurt to move and were on fire. I guess I learned my lesson about wearing four inch heeled boots to a concert! I felt really horrible that day. Light headed, dizzy, just rough. I took some ibuprofen and it did no good. The whole day I just felt like I was in this funk. I didn't want to be around people. Later on I realized I was having an anxiety attack. So I took some medicine, and it made me crazyyyy tired. The next morning I woke up with a swollen tongue, oh yay. I tried to see if it would go away on its own, but it just kept getting worse over a couple days and my lymph node became swollen as well. So I went to TUCA, and they turned me away telling me I needed to go to the ER instead. So that's what I did, even though I was extremely upset. TUCA would have been $35 with my insurance. The ER is $100. They told me I just have to let it run its course. It's basically a big canker sore gone wrong. I get canker sores a lot but never like this. I can barely talk, can't really eat or drink...it's horrible let me tell ya. So I get to wait it out. And guess how long it can last? Up to 14 days. FREAKING SWEEEEEET.

And then yesterday morning, up comes running this beagle puppy. Cutest thing I have ever seen. So we decide to keep her at our house and try to find the owner. After a day of searching throughout our neighborhood with no luck we came to the conclusion that she was probably abandoned. I've been trying to find her a new home. She spent the night in my room last night, because of course I've been the one to be taking care of her, and she was just so sweet. But now I feel horrible, because my dogs don't like her being in the house so we have to keep her outside and it is just so hot out there. I can't stand it. I try to bring her in but she's so wild. She just wants to play with them and she wants to be loved. I am trying my little butt off to get this pup into a good home. She's in the backyard just howling and crying away. It makes my heart ache so much.

So the past four days have been filled with either anxiety, pain, or a hard to control puppy. I am stressed like crazy and I am ready for this all to be over. I move into school on Friday, and I have no money for books still. I don't have a clue as to what the hell I am going to do but I am trying to keep the faith. Wish me luck.

Maroon 5, Train, and an unforgettable couple of days.

Wednesday night, a night I had been waiting on for MONTHS to approach, finally came! It also disappeared far too quickly. For those of you who don't already know, my dad and I went to see Maroon 5 and Train that night. I promised some people a detailed blog of what went on, and I keep my promises...so here goes! Sorry if it becomes incredibly long.

We left the house around 3:20 or so, and headed to our hotel in downtown Nashville. Daddy got us a suite at the Hilton for the night. We checked in, and walked over to the Bridgestone to get our tickets. We asked the lady about the meet and greet with Maroon 5, and she told us that we needed to be out front at 5:15. (The concert started at 7:00). We had plans to eat and then head to the concert, so at this point we had absolutely no time at all to grab dinner. We were both starving. So we rush back to the Hilton so daddy can finish getting ready, then rush back over to Bridgestone. And we wait. And we wait. And we wait some more. It's a good bit past 5:15, and we are seeing people with meet and greet passes around their necks, something that we don't have, because the lady at the front earlier told me we didn't get any. I go back up to the window to a different lady. She then proceeds to tell me that the Maroon 5 meet and greet was already taking place, and that our names were not on the list. At this point we are both almost in tears we are so angry. But turns out that lady didn't have a clue what she was talking about, and neither did the rest of the people who work there. So I go up to these 3 people just standing around, and asked them if they were there for the same meet and greet, thankfully they said they were. That eased the tension in our stomachs a little bit. However, we still had NO idea what was going on! We didn't know where we were supposed to be, what time the meet and greet was, and about a million other things. Sometime after 6, my dad spotted a guy with a bunch of Maroon 5 meet and greet passes around his neck. So I went up to him and asked him about it, and THANK GOODNESS, he was the guy for our meet and greet! But, our names weren't on the list. My daddy showed him our tickets and his receipts and everything, and the guy gave us our passes and told us this happens all the time and that he was personally going to yell at the people in charge of making those lists. Finally around 6:15 we headed to meet Maroon 5! We waited in line for about 15 minutes, and finally we had our chance. When we were standing there waiting for our turn to take a photo with the band, I was definitely checking out Adam! I mean come on, what girl doesn't think Adam Levine is SMOKING hot?! And here comes the part that makes me want to faint...Adam Levine made eye contact with me. WITH ME! And he did it more than once. I thought I was imagining things, but a couple other people pointed out that he was definitely checking me out. HOW CRAZY IS THAT?! We got up to the band, and they all signed our meet and greet pass. I said hello to all of them, shook all their hands, and actually wasn't nearly as nervous as I thought I was going to be. Let me just say, Adam is really gorgeous in person. And way taller than I thought he was. He's easily over 6 feet. I stood right there beside him, arm around him and all, and we had our picture taken with Maroon 5! We won't get to see the photo for about a week, and I am super impatient. I can't wait to see it! That moment passed far too quickly. We got an autographed photo, and we were on our way to enjoy the concert!

So did I mention how incredible our seats were? We were in the 3rd row, in seats 7 and 8. A couple people didn't show up, and some ended up leaving, so we scooted down and became more center stage. Maroon 5 put on an awesome show! Adam definitely has amazing stage performance. I danced like crazy and my throat hurt so bad from singing so loud! When Maroon 5 was all finished up, Matt Flynn (the drummer) threw his drumstick into the crowd....RIGHT AT US. It hit my hand, and before I knew it, the drumstick was gone. I was looking everywhere for it, and my dad had caught it! We were both shaking like crazy, it was just about the coolest thing ever. My dad caught a Maroon 5 drumstick! At this point I didn't think that there was much that could make this concert any better! After awhile, Train came out. And holy cow...Pat can SING! It was unbelievable. And then something absolutely insane happened. Pat said he needed some ladies to come up on stage and help him sing and dance. Girls were screaming like crazy, trying to get picked. He pointed to two girls in front of me. Then he said, "Oh and anyone else who thinks I might have pointed to them." I looked at daddy, he said "Go!", and I ran up there like there was no tomorrow. I elbowed girls out of my way, and I forced myself through the crowd of females, and I was the LAST one they let up on that stage! Here I was standing on stage with the band Train. How absolutely insane is that?! I danced and sang with TRAIN! I didn't even notice the thousands of people in the crowd. It was just me, the band, and the other girls on stage having a freaking blast. That moment was over all too fast as well. The rest of the concert was simply OUTSTANDING. I am so sad it's over. It's definitely a night I am never going to forget!

Yesterday we had breakfast at the Hilton, and we went to the Country Music Hall of Fame and Museum. We got the most expensive package, which included a tour of RCA Studio B. If you don't know what that is, it's the studio where tons of artists have recorded their music. Over half of Elvis's songs he recorded there. Tons of other artists did as well. But what stuck out to both me and my dad was Elvis. We walked into that room, and a feeling came over me that I will never be able to explain, not even with a million words. In the corner sat Elvis's favorite piano. The piano he had played more than any other. I promise you, you could feel Elvis in that room. You could feel his spirit. He was there. I learned so much that touched my soul. We had the opportunity to sit at that piano, and to play it. I couldn't barely breathe. My dad and I were both in tears. It's something that you just can't explain. It's something that you have to experience for yourself.

So as you can see, I had a wonderful past couple of days. I am so lucky and blessed to have the father I do. He enabled all of this, and I am so grateful. I can't believe I met Maroon 5. I can't believe I danced on stage with Train. Me. It's hard to wrap my head around. It's something I am never going to forget. I don't think there's much in this world that could top the experience I had.

Photos and videos can be found on Facebook!

-Nastassia*