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Relief

I can feel the stress slowly starting to peel away...little pieces at a time.

After tomorrow, I should have determined the species of my unknown bacteria in microbiology. Woo! And by tomorrow night, the journal for that class along with all of the paperwork for this unknown should be COMPLETE! Yay! But before I can even get to that point, I have a horrendous night of studying ahead of me. I have a mico exam Wednesday over so much stuff my brain might implode. Then Thursday is my lab practical, and two days after fall break I have a psychology exam. Let me tell you how much fun this semester has been...So it looks like tonight and all of tomorrow and tomorrow night will be devoted to studying for all of this crap I have to accomplish. It's crazy how busy this semester is. And it's even crazier how fast it is going by.

But on a happy note, I am feeling happy and light, despite all that is going on with school. I got my nose pierced this past Friday with my best friend after four years of planning to do so. I totally love it. I got to spend ALL weekend with her, it was great! I miss her all the time. Did some hanging out and shopping...was just what I needed.

Another reason for this post was to let you guys know I am trying to get to Ireland July 2013. But it's going to cost around $5000. I don't think I can do it without you guys or by myself. I will post a more detailed blog about it probably this weekend or early next week, but for now here's the link if you want to read about it. If you can donate, please do. If not, I completely understand. I would appreciate it so much if you could help me spread the word, or at least pray for me. So far I have only raised $10. I have a long way to go, and the first payment is due in the beginning of March I believe.

http://www.gofundme.com/1asyx0?pc=fb_cr

God bless <3

Stress-A-Palooza

Have you ever felt so stressed that you can't do anything but sit and stare blankly into space because you don't know which way to turn or where to begin to sort through your pile of MESS?! I'm talking about that stress that hits so deep that you get stomach cramps (okay, that could also be menstrual cramps). The stress that causes your body to ache and your head to trick your body into thinking that you're trapped inside a bubble, separate from the rest of the world, and the secret to how to pop this bubble lies at the bottom of your pile of stress....and that's just the thing...you feel you are NEVER going to get to the bottom, so when does the cycle end?! Are you following me?

This is my 5th semester at Austin Peay. And it is the most stressful, difficult, cloudy semester that I have had thus far. I don't even know how I am going to make it through today, let alone try worrying about tomorrow! I don't know how to deal with all of this! I am only taking 5 classes and I feel like I am taking 10. It's killing me. I feel like I am never going to get through this, I am never going to get to nursing school. I have been sitting in the library for over three hours now, trying like hell to find my focus and get something done. But I don't know where to start. I crack open a book and the lines blur together and I can't make out one single word. I try to listen to an online lecture and I feel like I am listening to the parents on Charlie Brown. I try to analyze a poem or remember classifications of bacterium and my eyes go black. And none of this is an exaggeration. This is happening to me! And I don't know what to make of it or what to do with it. I don't even know how I am typing this right now.

If you're curious on what my class load is like, here, let me break it down for you:
Microbiology Lecture
Microbiology Lab
Developmental Psychology
Statistics
Writing Poetry

....doesn't sound so bad, right? Well, let's dig just a little bit deeper.

Micro: I have a huge test next Wednesday, over so much material that I don't even know where to store it in my brain. And for the lab that goes along with this class, we are currently doing our "unknowns." This is where each student receives a vial with two different bacteria inside. Your goal is to run a series of MANY different types of tests, and determine which bacteria it is of about 10 or so, possibly more, that we have gone over in the past few weeks. This will take the rest of this week and all of next week. It's due next Thursday. Also, next Thursday is my lab practical for the class. PLEASE explain to me how I am supposed to research all this bacteria to make sure I am properly doing my unknown, AND study for two huge tests. Then the following week I have a research paper and powerpoint presentation...so the small fall break that I DO get, I will be working on that. THIS IS ALL THE SAME CLASS....my goodness.

Psych: This class is a struggle for me. The teacher does not teach, she shares stories. No matter how in depth I get into the text or how much I study her study guides, I CANNOT get an A on her tests. So I guess that means it's time to hit this material double time.

Stats: Three chapters of online homework due right after fall break. I have time, I just don't know where that time is...

Poetry: I love to write. But my work for this class sucks. Because I don't have time to write how I want to write...but I'm making a B so I guess it's okay.

But if that doesn't stress you out just reading it then please tell me your secret because I am about to break. I need a vacation...but I won't even get one until Christmas break. THAT even stresses me out. I just want this season to pass. I want to be able to relax and breath a sigh of relief and SMILE. I miss smiling. I miss laughing. I miss feeling light and free of stress.

I have so much left to say....but I can't even write anymore.

Please pray for me.

The Big Two-Oh

Okay let's be honest for a second...there is really nothing extremely special about a 20th birthday. It's kind of like being in limbo. You've already been 18, and able to buy cigarettes and lottery tickets (big whoop), and you're not quite 21 yet and able to drink. You're just...20. The same rules still apply. But I guess there is one plus: hey, you're not a "teen" anymore! Seriously, no big surprise that my 20th birthday wasn't the best birthday of my life. But it was a great day and I am lucky to have shared it with the people I was able to share it with.

There is something that always seems to happen on birthdays though, at least for me, and that doesn't matter whether it's your 15th birthday or your 20th. You always seem to find out who REALLY cares and who doesn't. Birthdays can be so telling for relationships. My birthday really surprised me, actually. I woke up to the best chocolate chip birthday pancakes from the most special man in my life...and even though they were extremely chocolatey, they were delicious and the fact that he made them for me meant the world to me. He took good care of me ALL day yesterday, and I hope he knows that every little thing he did for me did not go unnoticed. Then I got homemade birthday cards from each one of my little cousins, and they were just the cutest cards I have ever seen in my life and brought the biggest smiles to my face. My best friend brought me unexpected gifts that meant so much to me, and spent the whole day making me smile. Even when I got my hair done, the best friend and the boyfriend were right there with me. My family ordered me a Batman cake for my birthday, and put "Natman" on it...something simple like that just lets me know I am heard and cared about. My daddy got me the sweetest cards (not card!) and some yummy candy. And the people who showed up just to spend a couple hours with me on my birthday made my heart smile so huge. And to all the people who took two minutes out of their day just to write on my wall or text me to say, Happy Birthday!, made me feel so special. You will never know how much something so simple means to me. Thank you.

I don't think your birthday should be about how old you're turning, and what that is going to mean for you legally or socially. I don't think your birthday should be about going out and getting crazy or stacking up gifts against your bedroom wall. I think your birthday should be about spending time with the ones you love and who love you back, and if they can put a smile on your face and you theirs, that is the most beautiful gift in the world.

Thanking the Lord for letting me live to see another year.

Mother's Day

Mother's Day has never been an easy day for me. When this day rolls around, I am usually lost in sadness and "what if's." I haven't seen my mom in almost ten years. Ten years. That's a decade! Most of the people I associate with see their mothers at least twice a week, if not more. Most of my friends have close and personal relationships with their mothers and can talk about them openly and with a smile. That has never been the case for me. Talk of my mom never really leaves my lips, unless it's to tell someone why they never see her around me or why I never speak of her. The answer is simple, but the explanation is strenuous and I won't even get into it in this blog. The point of the matter is that I have spent nearly twenty years with very little encounter with my mom, and for the past ten of those years, close to no encounter. The memories I have of her are very few, and most of them are not positive. There are so many events in my life that I wish she could have been there for. There is so much I wish I could have told her, and so many nights I wish I had her arms to cry in. She has done so much in my life to hurt me and for years I held a grudge towards her, trying to forgive but never really getting that far. We have a tendency to talk for awhile very consistently, and then it becomes sporadic and we go months, maybe sometimes even years, with little or no contact. The end of last year, I severed all ties between my mom and I. I had made a conscious decision that I never wanted to speak to her again, that I wanted her out of my life forever. That changed on February 26th when I accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior (for the third time in my life.) I began craving conversation with her, so I reached out. I am working so hard at forgetting everything that she put me through, and I feel that I am doing a really good job. I am ready to move on, away from the past. I want a relationship with my mom, despite any hardships we may have faced, and despite all the years we have been separated from one another. My birthday will be a decade since I have seen my mother. I don't know when I will see her again, but I pray it does happen. I hope with all my heart that we can have the mother/daughter relationship that I know we both have always wanted.
Mom, if you're reading this right now, I love you. I never stopped loving you, and I never will. And I forgive you for everything that our past contains, and I pray that you can forgive me as well. I thank God that you are back in my life and I promise I will never turn my back on you again. I promise that I will work at our relationship...hard. Thank you for accepting me back into your life and loving me even when I didn't love myself, or felt that I didn't love you. 


Lord, I just want to thank You for bringing my mom and I back together. I thank You that the past is forever gone and it does not dictate the future. God I pray You grant both my mom and I the patience to work at our relationship, and that we would never again walk away from one another and could one day reunite. No task is too big for you, God, and I have the utmost faith that I will see my mom again. Until then Lord I pray that she and I would communicate openly and even when times get rough between us, we would not lose sight of the importance of our relationship. Thank You, Father. Amen. 

Redefining Happiness

It's pretty sad that nothing can really make me happy anymore. Or at least the things that USED to make me happy fail to do so anymore. There was a man who used to make me happier than I imagined possible. Now the thought of him makes me sick to my stomach. I used to be perfectly content with being alone at my apartment, enjoying "me" time or just watching TV by myself. Now I can't stand the thought of being alone, and I avoid it at all costs so that I don't have an anxiety attack. Honestly the only times I am EVER alone are when I'm in the shower/using the bathroom, and when Alisa leaves for class Monday and Wednesday mornings. As soon as I wake up on those days I get my shit together and I am off to the library where there are hundreds of people constantly coming and going. And even when I go home on the weekends, my dog sleeps with me at night so I'm never really alone. I refuse to be. My emotions used to be carefree and happy. Now fear has dominated me and taken my body for its home. I guess it is simply fear of the unknown. I am redefining happy.

The only explanation for this is change. We all change, no matter how much we try to avoid it, it's inevitable. Everything around us is due to change at some point. Nothing EVER remains the same, and we need to stop trying to force it to stay.

I don't mean this blog to make anyone think I am not happy with my life and that I have become a frightened woman who doesn't want to put her neck back out there, because that would be a false impression. I LOVE to live. It just seems that right now God is reshaping me, and helping me focus on "redefining happy" as I previously stated. Now what makes me happy is working out at the gym to the point that I don't know if I can lift one more weight, and running so fast and hard that my lungs burn. What makes me happy is surrounding myself with music, photography, and finally writing again. Which leads me to my next point, and what I wrote about yesterday. There are no words, not really, for how grateful I am for the person who entered my life and has me writing again. I am smiling just typing this because I am so thankful that God placed him in my life. The timing is horribly odd but it makes no difference, change happens when it wants to, according to know man's wishes. He makes me happy. And it's completely insane. Thank you for making me want to write again. Oh and if your name is Alisa or Becca, you make me insanely happy, too. And it helps that I have the best family a girl could ever hope for. I really am blessed, whether or not I always see it.

What else makes me happy? Well I am leaving for Trinidad and Tobago 14 days after today. This is the opportunity of a lifetime. I cannot wait. I'm sure I'll be blogging about that every day that I am there.

I love life. I really do.