Where Have I been?

Surprise, surprise...I went months without a blog post - again. What's a girl to do? My lack of motivation the past six months has been appalling. And when I say appalling I mean it in the most true and raw form that you could fathom. It's ridiculous, really, and I am beyond ready to get back on track and tidy up my mess of a life. I guess sometimes everything falls apart so you can pick up all of the pieces and put them where they actually belong, rather than having a puzzle that looks like a 2 year old put it together. Does that make sense? Well anyway I think that's what is going on. I was in such a rush to put my life together that I wasn't paying close enough attention to what pieces actually fit together and which pieces didn't go where, or didn't go in my puzzle at all. It took a few things causing my puzzle to fall apart for me to realize this, and now I am on the journey of figuring how everything is actually supposed to fit.

If none of this makes sense, here are some specifics:
-I haven't been in the Word since before spring break. Yikes. That right there is reason enough why my world has become chaotic. I still pray and I still try to have a solid relationship with The Lord, but let's be honest, am I really trying that hard if I'm not even studying His Word?
-I haven't been in a gym since before spring break. And because of that I have also stopped eating healthy. Welcome back, achy bones and muscles. Welcome back, iron deficiency anemia. Welcome back, lethargy and fatigue. I feel like crap 24/7! Seriously I don't remember the last day where I felt good all day long. Yuck.

And honestly those two things are affecting my life in some intensely negative ways. It's crazy how much more motivated I feel when I'm closer to The Lord and in the gym. (What's crazier is this wasn't the direction my blog was supposed to go at all...crazy how God chooses to speak to you through your talents sometimes).

Well guess what? I refuse to accept defeat! I refuse to sit on my booty any longer! I refuse to be the pathetic excuse of a person that I am becoming. Honestly I am nothing without my Savior and I feel it weighing in on my heart and my character more every day. But at the same time that I am sad for what has become of my life the last six months, I am also so beyond grateful. This might be the biggest trial and season of dryness I have every experienced but I can't tell you how much it has grown me and is continuing to grow me.

I have a plan of action. And that came with plenty of realizations. You might not be interested in this next bit, it's more or less for me more than anyone else, but of course I am going to include it anyway.

*Realization number 1: I was so into the gym and being fit because that's what my ex wanted me to want. I don't care about gaining tons of pounds of muscles. I don't care about lifting more than any other girl in the gym. I don't care about my thigh muscles protruding. That's what he cared about. And naturally after our relationship ended last year, so did my desire to be in the gym as much as before. Don't get me wrong I LOVE working out, I LOVE being fit. And more than anything I love how much better my body feels when I am in that gym. But the level that I was at wasn't really where I cared to be. The style of workouts wasn't really that appealing to me. But within the past few weeks I've discovered what is best for me in terms of fitness and what my body responds positively to. And that is yoga! I have been so obsessed lately with learning all that I can about it and practicing it as much as I can! It's so relaxing and refreshing and I like it ten thousand times better than any other form of fitness I have tried. I am in every way shape and form a beginner but very enthusiastic and learning and practicing yoga.
**Plan of action: Take lots of yoga classes! I have already figured out when they are during the week in my gym and have fitted them into my schedule. I couldn't be more excited about it. I've been looking up different types of yoga mats and everything. I definitely want to have my own. I am still going to be lifting weights and doing cardio, just not the way I was before.

*Realization number 2: You can't walk alone as a Christian. Especially when you are lazy. This summer has been so dry and that's because I haven't had anyone to walk with and study with. I'm sure if I would have put forth more of an effort I would have...but that's where that lazy word comes in. There have been plenty of times that I have wanted to crack open my Bible and get to it. But I didn't. Why? I was too busy lazying around. No more of that. And I 100% believe that taking better care of my body and getting healthy again will change this. I fully believe a lot of my mood change and desire change has to do with what's going on with my body internally.
**Plan of action: Obviously, eat better and get fit to change my mindset. But furthermore, I need to push forward and into Christ. I will get nowhere if His heart is not my number 1 desire. I have set aside Jesus time every day in my school schedule and I have a big list of things I want to dig into with Him. And I have text some of my favorite ladies and planned some girly Bible study Jesus time that I am SO looking forward to! No more slacking off. I can't afford to be lazy when it comes to my relationship with Him.

Yeah. So that's that for now. I am about to start my senior year of college, and I want to start it off right. I don't want to let myself down again. So pray for me, and keep me accountable. I need all of the support that I can get.

xoxo

Birth and Death

My study in Ecclesiastes 3 continues.

Verse 2 says "a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot,..."

I am going to divide this verse into two parts, it should be easy to tell where.

Part 1: "a time to be born and a time to die"
This is amazing. At first glance, the meaning behind this part of the verse seems simple. Every is born, and everyone dies - simple enough right? But it goes a bit deeper than that the more you study it.

Ephesians 2:1 "As for you, you were dead in your transgressions and sins."

In a Christian's walk, death comes before life. I was dead, buried in sin. I was separate from Christ because I was tainted by sin and it's filth. Without Christ, are we even really alive? No. Being born comes after death. Turning from living a life of sin to a relationship with Christ is where our life begins. Without Christ, your life is worth nothing. There comes a time when you die to your sin and you are BORN AGAIN in Christ. I know that for me personally, before I came to know Christ I walked around this earth thinking that I had all that I ever needed, but still feeling that there was something more to be had, something I wasn't seeing, some part of me missing entirely. When I was saved and started my relationship with Jesus, I felt more alive than ever! And I continue to feel more alive every day that I spend with Him.

Part 2: "a time to plant and a time to uproot" - NIV
"a right time to plant and another to reap" -The MSG

This is a constant for every Christian's walk, and one that we should all be able to grasp fairly easily. God is constantly pruning and chiseling us. There are seasons where God has to uproot things from our lives, and there are seasons where He wants to plant in your life, sow into your soul. Right now in my own walk, God is both doing some uprooting and some planting.

He's uprooting:
-selfishness
-loneliness
-dependency
-anger
-lust
-impatience
...These things are going to take time, and full surrender to Jesus.

He's planting:
-patience
-peace
-understanding
-passion
-full desire for Him!

And this is just the beginning. He has so much He wants to do with each and every one of us, if we will just allow Him to do so! What are you holding onto that is holding you back from Christ? Take it to the cross. God has to uproot some things in order to plant something else. And trust me, what He wants to plant is more beautiful than you could even imagine right now. Put your trust into the One who knows you more than you even know yourself.

God's Timing Is Perfect

The past few days, I have not been able to move from Ecclesiastes 3. If you haven't read it, I highly encourage you to do so. It is incredible and literally takes my breath away every time I read it. This chapter was one that a friend of mine recommended I read and study during my time of singleness. I had it written down to read, but I really wanted to start off with a different verse for this season: Isaiah 54:5. I wanted to really wrap my head around the fact that God is my husband, but He kept pulling me straight to Ecclesiastes and He isn't allowing me steer away from it, which is okay with me.

For those that know me, they know that I am an impatient person. I hate waiting around and I want everything NOW. God is breaking me of this, teaching me about His good and perfect timing. Ecclesiastes 3:11 says "He has made everything beautiful in its time." I have been ALL ABOUT this verse; it's even the lock screen on my iPhone. I have been focusing on those words "in its time." Only God knows when the right time for something is. Even if we think we know what's best for us, or we think that what we want right now is what's best, only He holds that knowledge. For instance my thought process is usually "I need my husband. Right now. I know that now is perfect and we could have a great solid relationship if only God would make him show up!" But God knows that now is NOT the time for my husband to enter into my life. He has much to show me, much to teach me, much to break me from. After I did a little bit of wrapping my head around this verse, God told me He still wasn't done showing me that His timing is perfect, and there was still more He wants me to see. So I decided to study Ecc. 3 verse by verse.

VS 1: There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven.

Everything in this world has a time. Time is easily one of the most talked about things in our world. When? What time? What day? How long? Questions such as these are asked everywhere, by everyone, daily. It can be hard to let Jesus have everything when we as humans want to know the "when." But everything DOES have its time - and only God knows how long a season will last. The only way to have peace with this is to have patience. Like I said before, this is something that does not come easy to me.

            Psalm 40:1 "I waited patiently for the LORD; he turned and heard my cry."

In this verse, the word waited really stands out. Waiting is so hard. But by waiting, having patience, and putting all of your trust in the Lord, not only will He bless you but you will see FRUIT! When you feel like you can no longer be patient, when you feel like you are having trouble understanding His will, when all you want to do is cry out and scream, rest in the Almighty One. He wants you to cry out to Him.

Follow My Other Blog

Hey guys! I would really, really love and appreciate it if you would go follow my new blog. I am still keeping this one, but this new blog is about a particular subject. Go check it out! http://producingfruitsofthespirit.blogspot.com/

Relief

I can feel the stress slowly starting to peel away...little pieces at a time.

After tomorrow, I should have determined the species of my unknown bacteria in microbiology. Woo! And by tomorrow night, the journal for that class along with all of the paperwork for this unknown should be COMPLETE! Yay! But before I can even get to that point, I have a horrendous night of studying ahead of me. I have a mico exam Wednesday over so much stuff my brain might implode. Then Thursday is my lab practical, and two days after fall break I have a psychology exam. Let me tell you how much fun this semester has been...So it looks like tonight and all of tomorrow and tomorrow night will be devoted to studying for all of this crap I have to accomplish. It's crazy how busy this semester is. And it's even crazier how fast it is going by.

But on a happy note, I am feeling happy and light, despite all that is going on with school. I got my nose pierced this past Friday with my best friend after four years of planning to do so. I totally love it. I got to spend ALL weekend with her, it was great! I miss her all the time. Did some hanging out and shopping...was just what I needed.

Another reason for this post was to let you guys know I am trying to get to Ireland July 2013. But it's going to cost around $5000. I don't think I can do it without you guys or by myself. I will post a more detailed blog about it probably this weekend or early next week, but for now here's the link if you want to read about it. If you can donate, please do. If not, I completely understand. I would appreciate it so much if you could help me spread the word, or at least pray for me. So far I have only raised $10. I have a long way to go, and the first payment is due in the beginning of March I believe.

http://www.gofundme.com/1asyx0?pc=fb_cr

God bless <3

Stress-A-Palooza

Have you ever felt so stressed that you can't do anything but sit and stare blankly into space because you don't know which way to turn or where to begin to sort through your pile of MESS?! I'm talking about that stress that hits so deep that you get stomach cramps (okay, that could also be menstrual cramps). The stress that causes your body to ache and your head to trick your body into thinking that you're trapped inside a bubble, separate from the rest of the world, and the secret to how to pop this bubble lies at the bottom of your pile of stress....and that's just the thing...you feel you are NEVER going to get to the bottom, so when does the cycle end?! Are you following me?

This is my 5th semester at Austin Peay. And it is the most stressful, difficult, cloudy semester that I have had thus far. I don't even know how I am going to make it through today, let alone try worrying about tomorrow! I don't know how to deal with all of this! I am only taking 5 classes and I feel like I am taking 10. It's killing me. I feel like I am never going to get through this, I am never going to get to nursing school. I have been sitting in the library for over three hours now, trying like hell to find my focus and get something done. But I don't know where to start. I crack open a book and the lines blur together and I can't make out one single word. I try to listen to an online lecture and I feel like I am listening to the parents on Charlie Brown. I try to analyze a poem or remember classifications of bacterium and my eyes go black. And none of this is an exaggeration. This is happening to me! And I don't know what to make of it or what to do with it. I don't even know how I am typing this right now.

If you're curious on what my class load is like, here, let me break it down for you:
Microbiology Lecture
Microbiology Lab
Developmental Psychology
Statistics
Writing Poetry

....doesn't sound so bad, right? Well, let's dig just a little bit deeper.

Micro: I have a huge test next Wednesday, over so much material that I don't even know where to store it in my brain. And for the lab that goes along with this class, we are currently doing our "unknowns." This is where each student receives a vial with two different bacteria inside. Your goal is to run a series of MANY different types of tests, and determine which bacteria it is of about 10 or so, possibly more, that we have gone over in the past few weeks. This will take the rest of this week and all of next week. It's due next Thursday. Also, next Thursday is my lab practical for the class. PLEASE explain to me how I am supposed to research all this bacteria to make sure I am properly doing my unknown, AND study for two huge tests. Then the following week I have a research paper and powerpoint presentation...so the small fall break that I DO get, I will be working on that. THIS IS ALL THE SAME CLASS....my goodness.

Psych: This class is a struggle for me. The teacher does not teach, she shares stories. No matter how in depth I get into the text or how much I study her study guides, I CANNOT get an A on her tests. So I guess that means it's time to hit this material double time.

Stats: Three chapters of online homework due right after fall break. I have time, I just don't know where that time is...

Poetry: I love to write. But my work for this class sucks. Because I don't have time to write how I want to write...but I'm making a B so I guess it's okay.

But if that doesn't stress you out just reading it then please tell me your secret because I am about to break. I need a vacation...but I won't even get one until Christmas break. THAT even stresses me out. I just want this season to pass. I want to be able to relax and breath a sigh of relief and SMILE. I miss smiling. I miss laughing. I miss feeling light and free of stress.

I have so much left to say....but I can't even write anymore.

Please pray for me.

The Big Two-Oh

Okay let's be honest for a second...there is really nothing extremely special about a 20th birthday. It's kind of like being in limbo. You've already been 18, and able to buy cigarettes and lottery tickets (big whoop), and you're not quite 21 yet and able to drink. You're just...20. The same rules still apply. But I guess there is one plus: hey, you're not a "teen" anymore! Seriously, no big surprise that my 20th birthday wasn't the best birthday of my life. But it was a great day and I am lucky to have shared it with the people I was able to share it with.

There is something that always seems to happen on birthdays though, at least for me, and that doesn't matter whether it's your 15th birthday or your 20th. You always seem to find out who REALLY cares and who doesn't. Birthdays can be so telling for relationships. My birthday really surprised me, actually. I woke up to the best chocolate chip birthday pancakes from the most special man in my life...and even though they were extremely chocolatey, they were delicious and the fact that he made them for me meant the world to me. He took good care of me ALL day yesterday, and I hope he knows that every little thing he did for me did not go unnoticed. Then I got homemade birthday cards from each one of my little cousins, and they were just the cutest cards I have ever seen in my life and brought the biggest smiles to my face. My best friend brought me unexpected gifts that meant so much to me, and spent the whole day making me smile. Even when I got my hair done, the best friend and the boyfriend were right there with me. My family ordered me a Batman cake for my birthday, and put "Natman" on it...something simple like that just lets me know I am heard and cared about. My daddy got me the sweetest cards (not card!) and some yummy candy. And the people who showed up just to spend a couple hours with me on my birthday made my heart smile so huge. And to all the people who took two minutes out of their day just to write on my wall or text me to say, Happy Birthday!, made me feel so special. You will never know how much something so simple means to me. Thank you.

I don't think your birthday should be about how old you're turning, and what that is going to mean for you legally or socially. I don't think your birthday should be about going out and getting crazy or stacking up gifts against your bedroom wall. I think your birthday should be about spending time with the ones you love and who love you back, and if they can put a smile on your face and you theirs, that is the most beautiful gift in the world.

Thanking the Lord for letting me live to see another year.